FAMILY BUILDING NETWORK SUPPORT GROUP MEETING Wednesday May 16, 2012 7-8:30PM

The Monthly Support Group, lead by Patricia Mendell, LCSW, is dedicated to helping families formed through egg/sperm/embryo donation and surrogacy, create healthy and lasting connections.  

Everyone has a unique Story about their family. For parents planning to disclose, telling the Family Story can seem overwhelming.

Discussions will  include:

·        The importance of language in the disclosure story ·        Latest research on children and families ·        Age appropriate books for donor offspring children ·        How to answer questions from your child and others ·        How to begin “The Talk” ·        How childrens’ questions change over time ·        What to tell siblings

Date: Time: Cost: Location: Contact:

Wednesday April 18, 2012 7:00-8:30 pm $25 per person, $40 per family 902 Broadway (between 20th-21st Sts. next to 920 Broadway), 13th Floor, NYC 10010 Patricia Mendell, LCSW, 212-819-1778 Call to reserve a space www.patriciamendell.com

Future Dates: 5/16/12, 6/20/12

Is the Egg Donor Given Too Much Attention and Status in the Disclosure Discussion?

These are the questions raised during a recent dinner with a friend and colleague, and fellow Mom Via Egg Donation. What part or role does or should the donor play in our family life?


Is there really a person who should be part of the family tree or is this the person to whom we are infinitely grateful for providing the help we needed (a tissue donation) in our being able to get conceive and carry a child?


If Egg Donors are signing off to not have a legal claim to the child, not interested in identity release or an open (known) donation, then why do we make more meaning of it when it comes to our own families?  Or is it our community of mental health professionals making more meaning of the donor?

I've met many parents and IP's via Donor Conception. They represent a wide range of people, with as many variations and opinions as there are on any topic involving babies and children... Birth, conception, child care, nutrition, immunization, education, to name a few.


People in general are very opinionated and for some reason more vocal about these issues than they are about equally charged topics such as politics and sex (our current media and entertainment culture notwithstanding). We seem particularly interested, once we are however involved in Donor Conception, in imparting our belief systems onto other, equally qualified individuals, who are making choices and caring for their families. We all want to think we know what's best for our, or all, children.


In every family, Donor Conceived or not, they will surely tell us at some point whether we were right or wrong, and everything and anything in between.

Sara Axel
516-967-7430
Saxel95@aol.com

Family StoriesWorkshop, Talking to Children about Donor Origins by Judith Kottick, LCSW

THIS WORKSHOP IS FOR PARENTS, parents-to-be and professionals who would like to learn how to talk to children about their family origins.

For additional information call (973) 746-7370 or email judykottick@comcast.net.

12:30-12:45 Registration

12:45-2:00 Creating the Family Story: Conversations for parents about donor and surrogacy

2:00-2:45 Donor Parenting in the 21st Century: Available resources

2:45-3.15 Refreshments/Group Discussion

3:15-4:15 Panel discussion: Parents and donor-conceived children bring to life the disclosure process

4:15-4:30 Questions/Comments

JUDITH KOTTICK, LCSW  Director of Fertility Counseling and Consulting Services, a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the field of reproductive counseling. Consultant to fertility practices, donor agencies, reproductive attorneys and surrogacy agencies. Private practice in Montclair, NJ.

Judith Kottick, LCSW (http://www.jkfertilitycounseling.com/)
  Consultant to RMA, NJ and private psychotherapy practice in Summit,

Jennifer Gamper Meenan, RN, BSN, LCSW

NJ. Former nurse at the Institute of Reproductive Medicine and Sciences at St. Barnabas Medical Center and RMA NJ.

ROFESSIONALLY LED WORKSHOP DEVELOPED BY JUDITH KOTTICK, LCSWSSISTED BY JENNIFER GAMPER MEENAN, RN, BSN, LCSW

Workshop Schedule

Special Spring Announcements

We are having a PVED.org Meet-up on Tues Eve, March 6th, 6:30-8:30 in midtown. Please join the meetup group by going to this link and contact me via email or on the meetup site to reserve a spot at the dinner.


http://www.meetup.com/New-York-PVED/


The next NYC Gathering is on March 20th, 2012, 6:30-8:30.
Anne Malave, PHD, and Amy Demma, Esq, will be speaking about the emotional and legal aspects of Embryo Disposition. If you have extra embryos and have completed your family then what to do next might be on your mind and you are feeling like you need to start exploring your feelings and options.


Please contact me directly for reservations, saxel95@aol.com.


Lastly, a new one-day workshop to be hosted by Lisa Schuman, LCSW, will be held after Easter and Passover. This will be modeled on the annual weekend retreat Lisa holds each year for families created through Adoption. How I've longed to have Lisa do something similar for Donor and Third Party Families!


From Lisa..."there will be a full day workshop for parents and kids on the children's disclosure issues. For the parents it will be about their feelings about disclosure and how to help the kids help themselves and for the kids it would be about how to understand their donor information and share/ not share with others."


Please let us know your preferences of days/ times so that I can keep a list from our Blog and Group, and please speak with Lisa as well, Lisashu@aol.com.


Thanks and best to all,
Sara Axel
516-967-7430
Saxel95@aol.com

Adoption and Third Party Parenting Resources

Worth repeating, I wish there were half as many resources for Third Party Parenting as there is for Adoption.
This is a highly recommended series and organization.
Adoption education online for adoptive parents and families ...
Courses and webinars offering adoption education to parents. Topics include attachment disorder, talking to children about adoption, grief and adoption and ...
www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/index.cfm
Sara Axel
516-967-7430
Saxel95@aol.com

ANNOUNCEMENT:Choosing Positive and Realistic Language In Creating Our Family-Building Narrative

Ok, now that I have your attention, I am once again very excited to announce that Lisa Schuman, LCSW will be our Guest Speaker at our next meeting of The NYC Gathering, January 26th,2012.


Lisa has helped our group members through her private practice and on the staff at RMA NY. I first met Lisa when I went with a friend to a patient information night at RMA, as Lisa joined their team after I had my kids through RMA. I was impressed, so I booked a private session for myself as well as a session for the group (Lisa spoke to us about decision-making, adoption and donor conception the first time she joined us).


Lisa will be generously giving us her time and expertise again on January 26, 2012 and the topic is Language.....


Starting a conversation about Third Party Reproduction and Parenting, pioneering into territories unknown, can be daunting. For those of you who are totally comfortable and have the language of your story working well for you, please come and share with us. For those of you who have not quite settled on what to say, or feel like you haven't been able to flow with it the way you'd like to, or that you would like to fine-tune what you've got, then this meeting is for you.


On a personal note, I wanted to have this topic for a group meeting because I continue to strive for greater clarity and the right words for me to describe my particular situation and others. I surely don't have to be perfect. I will allow myself more "do-overs" if I need them. But I do want to use words that are sensitive and accurate, that my kids and adults can understand and that I am comfortable speaking.


Please join us. I hope you can attend.

Who Are You? The Ethics and Impact of Donor Conception | Independent Lens Blog

"Donor-conceived children often feel as adopted kids do: that the secrecy around their creation makes it feel taboo or shameful."


I think the secrecy is because of what's waiting on the other side of disclosure and that is was causes the shame.


If we are open about donor conception, how can we then be prepared when our kids read and hear from allover the media and close to home that all ivf and third party reproduction is unethical in the first place, that its also "the fertility industry's dirty little secret", and that parents like me have used an egg donor and "left them to be used and then forgotten", we are going to need more tools than a few children's books to deal with this issue,


Remember, its about the kids, right?

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/who-are-you-the-ethics-and-impact-of-donor-conception

Talking to Children About Donor Conception - Denver

If anyone attended that would like to share any re caps or reviews of this or any similar events for sharing on this blog or privately,please contact me directly at saxel95@aol.com

Talking to Children About Donor Conception -- Events Denver ...
This is a professionally led workshop for parents of donor conceived children. It will be held Saturday, October 8, 2011. For more information go to click here.

denver.momslikeme.com/members/eventactions.aspx?g...m...

Sperm-donor children face challenges in learning their medical history - The Washington Post

I don't disagree with the reasons for wanting medical information from donors, but the last statement of the article Is kind of ridiculous if you ask me. Who has any say in what situation they are born into?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/sperm-donor-children-face-challenges-in-learning-their-medical-history/2011/07/01/gIQAX9hwzK_story_1.html

MyStyle Story:Sperm Donor Premieres September 27 on Style

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/b7656_sperm_donor_premieres_september_27_on.html
PRODUCED BY WENDY KRAMER OF THE DONOR SIBLING REGISTRY. WENDY AND HER SON RYAN KRAMER WILL BE OUR GUESTS AT THE NYC GATHERING DINNER ON OCTOBER 17TH, 2011. PLEASE EMAIL SAXEL95@AOL.COM TO REGISTER FOR THIS EVENT.

New York, NY: 'The ethics of telling children if they were donorconceived', Sept 15

Found out about this too late to attend but please do report back if you can. I wonder what would be unethical, very interested to hear about this perspective.


The ethics of telling children if they were donor conceived
Speaker: John Appleby, Welcome Trust Fellow in Bioethics, Cambridge
University, UK


Sept 15/11. 6:00-7:30pm. Columbia University, Morningside Campus, New York
NB. The following location are both given in various notices about this
event, so check with Meghan Sweeney, to be sure which one is correct before
going:
* Hamilton 516
* Fayerweather 310


Presented by The Columbia Master of Science in Bioethics program
RSVP: Meghan Sweeney, ms4184@columbia.edu

Incredible meeting between egg donor Sylvia Barr and the mother she helped have twins after the death of her sons | Mail Online

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2032060/Incredible-meeting-egg-donor-Sylvia-Barr-mother-helped-twins-death-sons.html

OTHER THAN THAT LAST POST, I DO TAKE THIS ALL QUITE SERIOUSLY

See my post of August 13th. I have feelings about babies, children, adults, donors, surrogates, parents, families, medical ethics. My feelings did not end with the end of my fertility journey. I care how people are treated and I always have. Can I say this any more strongly?


There must be some way to balance the portrayal of the fertility industry other than blogging and one page statements by the organizations and individual insiders.


The mental health of the families already created by Third Party Reproduction is at stake. I'd like to see just one of them make a proactive statement about the less-than-positive outcome of full disclosure and stop talking about privacy vs secrecy and instead examine why its still not safe to do so.

Thanks to Donor Diva -- on FertilityAuthority.com

The Donor Diva blogged:
"There is enough gray area in egg donation, sperm donation and surrogacy. Now when these children get older, they could hear that they were conceived with the intent of being sold? I hope they don't have to deal with that. I know there are enough hurdles for donor-conceived children."

But I think the children conceived through this situation WILL hear they were conceived with the intent of being sold AND what everyone on the internet thinks of the Surrogacy Scandal (The Baby-Selling Ring) and has thought of all of Third Party Reproduction long before today.

Donor Diva also asks how will donors feel. And I know its supposed to be "my kids story to tell" as per many, many parents and experts before me have said (and given me lears and warnings about). I, too, have put myself out there emotionally publicly, to say that this is OUR story to tell. If I waited until my kids were old enough to decide for themselves how public they wanted to be then I would be wrestling with "the increasingly blurring lines between secrecy and privacy" (see women's dinner group Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure post from May 6, 2010, click over there on the right) and perpetuating "don't ask, don't tell" that keeps most of Third Party Reproduction more in the closet than out. Unfortunately, Donor Diva, I think this effects all of us.

I've lost friends on facebook and elsewhere over TPR. They can't be friends with me for fear of being outted just by association, even though I have tons of ways to know someone that easily covers up the donor-conception connection they think others will make of it. Of the hundreds of people I've met this way,on line,on the phone, in person, just a few stay in touch because the association is too risky or simply too much to bear.

Donor Diva,keep up the great work, help us get the message out and when you meet anyone who might be up for the challenge of getting out there with us, please let them know that life as a parent and family through TPR may in fact be harder, but that we are working to make it BETTER. And that we WILL succeed.

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/leigh/2011/08/19/surrogacy-scandal-baby-selling-ring

Jennifer Lahl, Eggsploitation Film Maker.

I stand by everything I said about the film, current situation notwithstanding.
http://www.lifenews.com/2011/08/19/surrogacy-attorneys-caught-exploiting-women-selling-babies/

Rachel Gurevich, About.com

A few good points on About.com regarding Surrogacy case.

http://infertility.about.com/b/2011/08/15/what-theresa-erickson-and-her-baby-selling-ring-scandal-say-about-surrogacy.htm

DINNER MEETINGS IN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER 2011

MIDTOWN DINNERS (OCCASIONALLY NOT JUST WOMEN)

TUESDAY SEPT 20TH AND MONDAY  OCTOBER 17TH..

RESERVATIONS ARE WELCOME AND ENCOURAGED.

PLEASE EMAIL ME AT SAXEL95@AOL.COM

Leonard Link: NY Court Reasons Through Parenting Issues in Dissolution of Vermont Civil Union

http://newyorklawschool.typepad.com/leonardlink/2011/08/ny-court-reasons-through-parenting-issues-in-dissolution-of-vermont-civil-union.html

Donor Conceived Blogger

http://connectitblog.blogspot.com/?m=1

Morning Feeding: New Law In Washington Bans Anonymous Sperm and Egg Donors | Mommyish

There are still loopholes.
http://mommyish.com/stuff/morning-feeding-new-law-in-washington-bans-anonymous-sperm-and-egg-donors/