Is the Egg Donor Given Too Much Attention and Status in the Disclosure Discussion?

These are the questions raised during a recent dinner with a friend and colleague, and fellow Mom Via Egg Donation. What part or role does or should the donor play in our family life?


Is there really a person who should be part of the family tree or is this the person to whom we are infinitely grateful for providing the help we needed (a tissue donation) in our being able to get conceive and carry a child?


If Egg Donors are signing off to not have a legal claim to the child, not interested in identity release or an open (known) donation, then why do we make more meaning of it when it comes to our own families?  Or is it our community of mental health professionals making more meaning of the donor?

I've met many parents and IP's via Donor Conception. They represent a wide range of people, with as many variations and opinions as there are on any topic involving babies and children... Birth, conception, child care, nutrition, immunization, education, to name a few.


People in general are very opinionated and for some reason more vocal about these issues than they are about equally charged topics such as politics and sex (our current media and entertainment culture notwithstanding). We seem particularly interested, once we are however involved in Donor Conception, in imparting our belief systems onto other, equally qualified individuals, who are making choices and caring for their families. We all want to think we know what's best for our, or all, children.


In every family, Donor Conceived or not, they will surely tell us at some point whether we were right or wrong, and everything and anything in between.

Sara Axel
516-967-7430
Saxel95@aol.com

Uterine transplants: a new frontier in science | The Indianapolis Star | indystar.com

Let's just say for the moment that this is medically all good, would there be any question as to who is the mother in this scenario?

http://www.indystar.com/article/20111218/LOCAL/112180353/Uterine-transplants-new-frontier-science?odyssey=tab%7Ctopnews%7Ctext%7CIndyStar.com

Dr Oz, Eggsploitation, and What I Wore

I stand by everything I said about the film Eggsploitation, almost a year since I saw the film at Fordham and Columbia U Law Schools. I have not seen Anonymous Fathers Day, and I will probably not when it screens on January 29, 2012 in NYC at a Digital Art Gallery. 


I was, however, asked to be part of a special section of 40 people to attend the taping of The Dr Oz Show this past Friday, 12-9-11. The Topic: HOW OLD IS TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY? I never saw the Dr Oz Show until I attended this taping. I was prepped on the phone and in person the day of the taping on what the questions would be, about being a 50  yr old mom of 7 yr old twins. The producer I spoke to asked for passionate participation and said there would be people on the other side of the argument, but that she never heard of Jennifer Lahl, Eggsploitation, Shark Tank Girl, Family Scholars or Elizabeth Marquardt. Something told me otherwise (maybe the little birdie I tell my kids about, the one that comes to talk to you when you are a mom). 


I was ushered in to the studio after passing several security check points starting at 8:15am, signing the release form, getting the bracelet to wear so I could give up my belongings for 3 hrs to sit without a bathroom break or even to stretch my legs. No water bottles allowed under your seat, they reflect on camera, it was to go until about 12noon.


During the taping, I raised my hand a few times to speak but was never called upon for a direct question or to add to the discussions. I had no book or film to promote, no organization to do PR or cultivate a relationship or free press for, but I did take a vacation day from work for this and I could use my show ticket to receive a 10% discount on merchandise sold at the Studio Store on the main floor of 30 Rock. 


Those that did speak on camera had good sound bytes to share, good points to make about older parenting and even egg donation, for and against, and I enjoyed the discussion from both sides. It was difficult to hear so I did not catch the 2 doctors names that were on the panel of experts, one woman OBGYN who said that women of advanced maternal age, even with the use of Donor Egg, can sometimes present other medical issues and that she would not allow to move ahead with a pregnancy plan or any fertility treatments. The male doctor on the panel, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, explained quite a bit about how a healthy woman in her 40's, most of what he sees in his medical practice, can carry a child to term with donor egg with greater success rates than with her own eggs. The mom in the audience, Kate, who conceived via DE in her 50's confirmed that no matter what the others are called in her family-building journey, these are her kids and she is the mom.


Many times the word "biological" child was used when I believe the distinction of  "genetic" offspring should have been made. For example, one of the first things Jennifer Lahl said about infertility is that she understands the heartbreak and the desire for a biological child of one's own but that basically giving birth via donor conception was NOT your biological child, it was another woman's child. In addition to that, according to Jennifer Lahl, "Not everyone has a right to have a baby." I hope this is not edited out from the taping. She even repeated herself, just to be clear.
Maybe she thinks it isn't anyone's right to have a baby at any age or by any means of medical intervention by any one at all. As you may know by now, she is looking to end all ivf procedures, not just donor. But surely she didn't mean "Not everyone has a right to have a baby." Did she?


Shark Tank Girl stood up to say that she is 5 months PG, that she has been an Egg Donor and is a Donor Offspring herself, here at The Dr Oz Show to say that Anonymous Donor Conception is wrong because it strips the child of their rightful PARENTAL connection to, you guessed it, the Donor. A parent and a donor are not the same thing.


So, WHY is it, that if a Donor wants to be a parent they have to have their own family with a different mate to actually live as a family, but Shark Tank Girl still insists that the donor is part of MY family. Why do other people get to decide what my family wants or needs? Why do people who are actually parents who conceive at the time through a real relationshoip to the child, get to walk in and out of a kids life and are still the parents, even though everyone else might agree that they are not? I do know families like this and that is exactly the point. People get to decide what they want to be a part of or not and no one can force them one way or another. 


If my kids grow up and decide they want another Mother, it will be IN ADDITION to me, not INSTEAD of me, if that other person wants to and not if they don't.


The kids will have to decide for themselves if they love me or not, still want me as their mom or not, if they want to seek out their donor and then accept them as another Mother or not, and so on. We will always be a family of choice, but I would appreciate it very much if you didn't call me/us other names and use language like "The Violent Act of Buying and Selling a Child" with regard to sperm and egg donation, or that donors are "Used And Then Forgotten'', over and over. If you really care about families then why don't you leave alone the ones that exist just fine (and thriving in the same ways and at the same rate as other families in the general population) without you?  


PS-I wore a blue dress and figure that all you'll see of me when the show airs in January is the back of my head, which I really do hope they edit even that part of my participation out of the show. And if you happen to speak to Dr Oz, please tell him that I want my vacation day back! I am just a working mom, after all.

ANNOUNCEMENT:Choosing Positive and Realistic Language In Creating Our Family-Building Narrative

Ok, now that I have your attention, I am once again very excited to announce that Lisa Schuman, LCSW will be our Guest Speaker at our next meeting of The NYC Gathering, January 26th,2012.


Lisa has helped our group members through her private practice and on the staff at RMA NY. I first met Lisa when I went with a friend to a patient information night at RMA, as Lisa joined their team after I had my kids through RMA. I was impressed, so I booked a private session for myself as well as a session for the group (Lisa spoke to us about decision-making, adoption and donor conception the first time she joined us).


Lisa will be generously giving us her time and expertise again on January 26, 2012 and the topic is Language.....


Starting a conversation about Third Party Reproduction and Parenting, pioneering into territories unknown, can be daunting. For those of you who are totally comfortable and have the language of your story working well for you, please come and share with us. For those of you who have not quite settled on what to say, or feel like you haven't been able to flow with it the way you'd like to, or that you would like to fine-tune what you've got, then this meeting is for you.


On a personal note, I wanted to have this topic for a group meeting because I continue to strive for greater clarity and the right words for me to describe my particular situation and others. I surely don't have to be perfect. I will allow myself more "do-overs" if I need them. But I do want to use words that are sensitive and accurate, that my kids and adults can understand and that I am comfortable speaking.


Please join us. I hope you can attend.

Resolve Teams Up With Redbook-The Invisible Pain of Infertility - MSN Health

This is a great article about the new campaign called "The Truth About Trying". Kudos to all who came out of the closet to talk about infertility and do some myth-busting, especially one who openly discusses donor egg.

http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/the-invisible-pain-of-infertility

Language: Why ‘splitting’ motherhood is against the rights of the child

Save the date-DEC 8th, THE NYC GATHERING will host Lisa Schuman. Our Guest Speaker will take on LANGUAGE.

Top of my list-the Donor is the Donor and the Mother is the Mother. An example here:

Why 'splitting' motherhood is against the rights of the child.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/view/9920

The Salem State Log

SSU Student's Post-Grad Search will be for Her Biological Parents.

I like her attitude...

Salem State Log

I'm not part of an open adoption, and my mother suggests that my birth parents may have been friends and things may have escalated to another level for a brief time. There's no guarantee if I do decide to make contact that I'll find both parents. .

http://www.salemstatelog.com/mobile/features/ssu-student-s-post-grad-search-will-be-for-her-biological-parents-1.2684417

New Studies on Family and Parenthood in ART

Linda Layne is an accomplished researcher on Family and Parenthood in the context of Cultural Anthropology and has begun research on a new study.
Published today: Studies in "Choice Moms" – Single Mothers (and Mums) by Choice.
Rensselaer Professor Compares Single Mothers by Choice in U.S. Versus U.K.
Here is a little about the study and Linda Layne's background.
While at Cambridge, Layne is researching the differences between American and British single mothers by choice, studying the religious, political, racial, and class contexts in which alternative families have emerged, and the social and cultural resources upon which they draw.
In her book, Motherhood Lost: A Feminist Account of Pregnancy Loss in America, Layne used the lens of anthropology to explain why American women are so ill-prepared for miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death and why the feminist movement has not fully embraced this important women's health issue. She further developed a women's health approach to childbearing loss through an 11-part, award-winning television series, "Motherhood Lost: Conversations" produced by George Mason University Television.
She has edited or co-edited two books on motherhood and consumption, a collection on Feminist Technology, and is currently working with British colleagues on a book on reproductive loss and a volume on new trends in parenting.
The Cambridge Centre for Family Research, based in Cambridge University, specializes in research that increases understanding of children, parents, and family relationships with a focus on topics central to public policy, health care, and people's lives. Current research projects on "new families" include a study of adolescents conceived by donor insemination, young adults raised from infancy in lesbian mother families, parent-child relationships and the psychological development of children, bioethics in assisted reproduction and emerging family forms, and parenting and psychological development of adoptive children raised in gay father families.
Read further about the study at
http://www.rpi.edu/index.html

Adoption on TV: "Modern Family" or "Parenthood"? - Martha Nichols - Open Salon

In drawing parallels to adoption and how far it has come in public support and acceptance as compared to third party reproduction and parenting, I am struck with this comment by the author.


"I long for a form of community my own tiny family of three doesn't have."


I wish families created through donor conception and surrogacy had half the community and resources that are available to adoptive families.


In the comments, someone says "And Julia, I lost count of how many times they said "buying" a baby. That sounds so crude. Even if it is partially true, paying for medical care and legal expenses could constitute buying, I can't imagine the "talk" they will have with their adopted child. "Honey, we wanted you so much, money was no object. We paid top dollar!."


http://open.salon.com/blog/martha_nichols/2011/10/27/adoption_on_tv_modern_family_or_parenthood

Steven Petrow: Queeries: When Friends Ask Bad Questions About Your Baby

So true.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/queeries-gay-parents_b_1020958.html

Married nurse hopes to have world's first baby from womb transplant (donated by her MOTHER) | Mail Online

Would anyone argue who is the baby's mother?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2050401/Married-nurse-hopes-worlds-baby-womb-transplant-donated-MOTHER.html?ITO=1490

Ryan Kramer and his Mom Wendy at The NYC Gathering OCT 17,2011

Hot topic at tonight's dinner, with our guests Wendy Kramer and her son Ryan Kramer of The Donor Sibling Registry, is featured Today On Slate.com.


Who's Your Mommy?
Should they tell their twins they came from donor eggs?

http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/10/should_they_tell_their_twins_they_came_from_donor_eggs_.html

Thanks again to Wendy and Ryan and to everyone who attended.


More to follow, some of us struggle with looking at sperm donors and egg donors being the same thing, the lack of real, widely accepted language on how to define these extended family relationships, and how about the parents of the donors-are they grandparents?.....and yes, I joined. Membership on The DSR is 1 year for $75, Lifetime for $175.

The Donor Sibling Registry TV Show is available online.

The Donor Sibling Registry tv show is now available to view online.


http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh0XTWQnc2EkQI49zg


Wendy Kramer
www.donorsiblingregistry.com
303-258-0902


"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other wings." - Hodding Carter

OCT 3, 2011 REVISITING OCT 13,2010, ORIGINALLY POSTED MARCH 2009

I HAVE SHARED THIS TWICE BEFORE, MY KIDS ARE NOW 7. MAYBE I'LL JOIN THE DSR WHEN WE MEET WENDY IN PERSON AT THE NYC GATHERING DINNER ON OCT 17, 2011.


''Nancy and Elizabeth run a great group. We shared our thoughts, feelings and experiences and everyone was heard and supported, all within our varying opinions and perspectives.

Particularly helpful to me was hearing Eric Schwartzman's views on being a DI Dad and we all considered how donor conception and all the 3rd party options impact our kids and how we think we will handle it into the future.

For me, I'm not ready for the DSR, but learning from everyone here at this meeting (pro and con), I am trying to remain open-minded and gear myself up for whatever approach my kids want to take when the time comes. My aim would be to support them and help them accomplish their goals and meet their own needs. I hope they too will share their journey with me.

I was also able to explore my own issues as they pertain to DE, ie my family of origin, my heritage, my genome. And back to understanding that it isnt just about me anymore. As Nancy has told me, this is now OUR FAMILY story, not just mine or my kids.''

NYT: One Sperm Donor, 150 Sons,The DSR,ASRM Ethics Committee and more

By JACQUELINE MROZ
September 06, 2011

http://nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06donor.xml

Incredible meeting between egg donor Sylvia Barr and the mother she helped have twins after the death of her sons | Mail Online

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2032060/Incredible-meeting-egg-donor-Sylvia-Barr-mother-helped-twins-death-sons.html

Guest Blogger Melissa Brisman ~ WHO IS THE MOTHER?

Welcome and thank you to Melissa Brisman, Esq, who has written in about the newest developments in surrogacy laws in NY State, which she has been instrumental in changing as she has in NJ and elsewhere in the Northeast. Here she explains the change and how it differs from egg donor contracts as well.

WHO IS THE MOTHER?
Why should a genetic mother have to adopt her child because the child was born to a gestational surrogate?

Why should a genetic mother’s rights differ from that of a genetic father?

In a recent case, we argued these issues and won. See T.V. v. New York State Department of Health, 6557/09 (http://www.nycourts.gov/reporter3dseries/2011/2011_06229.htm)

Facts

A gestational surrogate offered to carry a child without compensation for her close friends, a married couple, because the wife had undergone a hysterectomy, and was unable to carry a child. The wife’s eggs were fertilized with her husband’s sperm. Therefore, the resulting embryo contained the genetic make up of both the husband and wife, i.e. the intended parents. There was no genetic connection between the gestational surrogate and the embryo. If had an egg donor been used and fertilized with the husband’s sperm, there would have been no genetic link between the wife/intended mother and the embryo.

When the child was born, the New York Department of Health issued a birth certificate which placed the gestational surrogate’s name as mother, and did not include any name as father. After the birth, the genetic father’s name was added to the birth certificate, but the name of the gestational surrogate remained on the birth certificate. In order to correct the inaccuracy, the genetic mother’s only option would have been to request and file an adoption of her own genetic child. We argued that this violated the genetic mother’s constitutional rights to equal protection and due process.

Decision

In a unanimous decision published on August 9, 2011, the Appellate Decision sided with the genetic parents by finding that an adoption is the “legal process by which a parent/child relationship is created where none previously existed,” in this case however, “there is already a preexisting relationship, a genetic link, between the Genetic Mother and her child which cannot be ignored.” As a result, a genetic mother, who uses a gestational surrogate, can now have her name placed on the birth certificate through a post birth proceeding. Such proceeding does not need to meet the stringent requirements of an adoption (i.e. criminal background check, fingerprinting and a home study investigation).

Constitutionally and psychologically, this is a significant victory not only for mothers, but women as well.

Melissa B. Brisman is an attorney who practices exclusively in the field of reproductive law and is considered by her peers to be a leader in her profession. Ms. Brisman’s experience and qualifications are unparalleled. She employs an experienced and qualified staff of legal and administrative professionals and is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania. Ms. Brisman has a practice, Melissa B. Brisman, Esq., LLC, located in Montvale, New Jersey, offering a full range of legal services in connection with gestational carrier arrangements, ovum, sperm, and embryo donation, and adoption. In addition, Ms. Brisman is sole owner of Reproductive Possibilities, LLC. Reproductive Possibilities, LLC is an agency offering a donor record-keeping service which maintains contact information for intended parents and their anonymous ovum donors for a period of years following a donor arrangement. Reproductive Possibilities, LLC also facilitates gestational carrier arrangements. Ms. Brisman is also sole owner of Surrogate Fund Management, LLC, a company that manages escrow in connection with reproductive arrangements.


Melissa B. Brisman, Esq. LLC
One Paragon Drive, Suite 158
Montvale, NJ 07645
P: 201-505-0099
F: 201-505-0097
http://www.reproductivelawyer.com/

Owner of:
Reproductive Possibilities, LLC and
Surrogate Fund Management, LLC
P: 201-505-0078
F: 201-505-0994
http://www.reproductivepossibilities.com/
http://www.surrogatefundmanagement.com/

Jennifer Lahl, Eggsploitation Film Maker.

I stand by everything I said about the film, current situation notwithstanding.
http://www.lifenews.com/2011/08/19/surrogacy-attorneys-caught-exploiting-women-selling-babies/

The NYC Gathering's First Fund-raiser

If anyone has any ability to help me raise enough $ to get me to this conference please feel free to begin on my behalf or contact me at saxel95@aol.com to make the necessary connections. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.
Thank you,


http://www.humanreproduction2011.com/associated-meetings/anzica/

Since You Asked: The Story Of Our Baby's Sperm Donor : The Baby Project : NPR

http://www.npr.org/blogs/babyproject/2011/07/28/138746511/since-you-asked-the-story-of-our-babys-sperm-donor