Family StoriesWorkshop, Talking to Children about Donor Origins by Judith Kottick, LCSW

THIS WORKSHOP IS FOR PARENTS, parents-to-be and professionals who would like to learn how to talk to children about their family origins.

For additional information call (973) 746-7370 or email judykottick@comcast.net.

12:30-12:45 Registration

12:45-2:00 Creating the Family Story: Conversations for parents about donor and surrogacy

2:00-2:45 Donor Parenting in the 21st Century: Available resources

2:45-3.15 Refreshments/Group Discussion

3:15-4:15 Panel discussion: Parents and donor-conceived children bring to life the disclosure process

4:15-4:30 Questions/Comments

JUDITH KOTTICK, LCSW  Director of Fertility Counseling and Consulting Services, a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the field of reproductive counseling. Consultant to fertility practices, donor agencies, reproductive attorneys and surrogacy agencies. Private practice in Montclair, NJ.

Judith Kottick, LCSW (http://www.jkfertilitycounseling.com/)
  Consultant to RMA, NJ and private psychotherapy practice in Summit,

Jennifer Gamper Meenan, RN, BSN, LCSW

NJ. Former nurse at the Institute of Reproductive Medicine and Sciences at St. Barnabas Medical Center and RMA NJ.

ROFESSIONALLY LED WORKSHOP DEVELOPED BY JUDITH KOTTICK, LCSWSSISTED BY JENNIFER GAMPER MEENAN, RN, BSN, LCSW

Workshop Schedule

Adoption on TV: "Modern Family" or "Parenthood"? - Martha Nichols - Open Salon

In drawing parallels to adoption and how far it has come in public support and acceptance as compared to third party reproduction and parenting, I am struck with this comment by the author.


"I long for a form of community my own tiny family of three doesn't have."


I wish families created through donor conception and surrogacy had half the community and resources that are available to adoptive families.


In the comments, someone says "And Julia, I lost count of how many times they said "buying" a baby. That sounds so crude. Even if it is partially true, paying for medical care and legal expenses could constitute buying, I can't imagine the "talk" they will have with their adopted child. "Honey, we wanted you so much, money was no object. We paid top dollar!."


http://open.salon.com/blog/martha_nichols/2011/10/27/adoption_on_tv_modern_family_or_parenthood

When Is Love Not Enough? | Psychology Today

Interview on Transracial Parenting and Single Parenting via Donor Conception:mamacandtheboys.....
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/201107/when-is-love-not-enough

My Great Story-Living with Down Syndrome

This was a fantastic segment on Talk Stoop with an actor who has been on television and is involved with this project. He would like to call it UP Syndrome.

http://ndss.org/index.php?option=com_mgs

More about Story Corps,PS-also check out Davis Isay's book "MOM".

Skip to content

• QUESTION GENERATOR
• BLOG
• ALUMNI
• NEWSLETTER

• CONTACT US
• PRESS ROOM & NEWS
• JOBS
• EN ESPAÑOL

STEP 1: MAKE A RESERVATION

Think of a person whose stories you would like to hear, or someone who might like to ask about yours, like a grandparent, sibling, or friend. Thenfind the location nearest you and reserve an appointment online or by phone.

STEP 2: PREPARE FOR YOUR SESSION

Read what to expect and visit our great questions page.

STEP 3: RECORD YOUR STORY

Bring your friend or loved one to the StoryCorps recording facility. Our trained staff will explain the process, make you feel comfortable, and sit with you during your 40-minute session. At the end of your session, you’ll receive a free broadcast-quality CD to share with to family and friends, and a second copy will be archived at the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress.

---

MORE WAYS TO RECORD YOUR STORY

Do-It-Yourself Interviews Download our free and easy to use Do-It-Yourself Instruction Guide and learn how to record interviews and start your own family archive at home.

StoryKit Program Individuals and families can rent portable recording equipment packages called StoryKits to record interviews at home.

Door-to-Door ServiceOrganizations and institutions can sponsor on-site recordings at the location of their choice through our Door-to-Door Service.

PS-also check out Davis Isay's book "MOM".

New York, NY | StoryCorps

Great way to tell your family story.

http://storycorps.org/record-your-story/locations/new-york-ny/#reservations

Conversation with Diane Ehrensaft October 10, 2010

I've been talking with Diane Ehrensaft (author of "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Suggogates") about Birth Others, Genetic Others, ages and stages of disclosure (see post from our NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in January with Diane where we discussed ages and stages of disclosure).

Diane coined the term "birth other"--which includes both donors and surrogates/gestational carriers (who are not genetically related) . My term for egg donors is "genetic others" since they didnt do the birthing.


The "young scientists" are the young school age kids who are interested in how things work rather than the complicated psychological implications. That comes later.

Diane strongly recommends having someone talk to classrooms and train teachers so that the children from assisted reproductive families do not feel like outliers (MY BIGGEST ISSUE AROUND THIS) and the issues apply to all children and the different ways of building families.
All parenthood involves loss-loss of nonparenthood life, loss of sleep, loss of fantasies as they are are replaced by the real child.  

For those parents who have dealt with fertility problems, there may be the loss of having a genetically related child. For those parents missing a parent to have a baby with, there may be a feeling of a missing parent, who a donor cannot be. As long as people know it comes with the territory, they don't have to sweep the feelings under the rug.

What Diane wants parents to know is

1) that they will creatively draw their own family map and then navigate within it; there is no one boiler plate; 2) dishonesty never pays; 3) authenticity does; 4) at the same time, there can be tiers of disclosure and layers of privacy; 5) children are incredibly adaptable organisms, and all children have something to deal with; a birth history that involved assisted reproductive technology is one of those things to deal with, and can be done with pride and good feeling, as long as parents leave room for the full gamut of their children's feelings (and their own); 6) at the time, parents should carve out separate space to work through their own raw feelings, if they surface, so that what reaches the child are metabolized and empathic responses, rather than torn or conflicted ones.

NY Metro Area Resolve Support Group Listings

http://resolve.charitydynamics.com/support_groups/search.php?zip=10018

My just right donor, by L

It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.


A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.


We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.


I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.


So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?


First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.

Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.


And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”


We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.


We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.


We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.


A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.

That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.


What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.

Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.

Definition of a Parent by The Child Welfare League of America

From the Publication of The Child Welfare League of America : Creating Parenting-Rich Communities. Go to CWLA.org for more info.

Definition of a Parent:

When we use the term "parent", we are referring to biological mothers and fathers
as well as the many different adults who take on the role of raising a child over time.

JUNE & JULY UPDATE

Sunday June 6th



THE NYC GATHERING AND THE FAMILY BUILDING NETWORK PRESENT:
Creating the Family Story for Parents and Parents-to-be via Donor and Surrogacy.
I want to start off by saying that I am very excited to be meeting both Jean Benward and Theresa Erickson for the first time at the June 6th Workshop.

• Theresa Erickson is an attorney who specializes in Reproductive and Family Law (www.ericksonlaw.net.) and will be speaking on our panel about her own experience as an Ovum Donor. She is an Executive Board Member of Parents Via Egg Donation, PVED.org.

• Patricia Mendell, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice. She is Co-Chair of The AFA, facilitator of their Ovum Donor Seminars, and has written and spoken extensively on fertility, pregnancy loss, disclosure, family, and parenting issues. As a therapist and fertility survivor, Patricia is well aware of the impact decision making choices have on people’s lives. She believes that with the right support system and practical educational tools one can feel confident in tackling any of life’s challenges. http://www.patriciamendell.com, 718-230-9383, 212-819-1778
• Jean Benward, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years experience with issues surrounding adoption, infertility, and donor conception. She served as a member of the ASRM’s Mental Health Professional Group Executive Committee for seven years. She is co-president of the Board of Directors of the Sperm Bank of California and has been a consultant on the Sperm Bank’s identity release task force for eight years. Jean is the co-author of the AFA Talking to Kids about Ovum Donation pamphlet. She has just completed a book chapter about Identity Formation in Donor Offspring for a Canadian publisher. She has presented at numerous ASRM symposia and workshops, at the American Society for Bioethics and Humanism and at the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute. Her clinical experience includes several years as adjunct professor and clinical supervisor for graduate students in child and family therapy. You can reach her at: officejeanbenward@sbcglobal.net or phone: 925 820 9023.
  This workshop is an expanded version of the very well-received workshop held in November '09. We will have a panel of parents and donor-conceived kids and adults (and a donor!), interactive discussions planned, childrens psychological development info, practical and specific tools will be presented. Please contact pmendell@aol.com or saxel95@aol.com to confirm your reservation.

Additional Events Listing:

Anne Malave-June 2, June 16, June 30-Continuing with Anne Malave PHD, 4 session commitment, Professionally Led Support Group, UWS, 212-787-1304.
Call for Dates-Anne Malave,PHD PG Via DE Professionally Led Support Group, UWS, 212-787-1304.Thurs June 17-Anne Malave PHD, 4 session comittment-6-7pm Professionally Led Support Group in Mineola, 212-787-1304.

Mon June 14, Mon July 12, Tues Aug 3, Mon Sept 13, Mon Oct 18, Tues 11-16, Mon 12-13-The NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in Midtown saxel95@aol.com.
Long Island Resolve Peer-Led Support Group-Third Thursdays Monthly -June 17,July 15,Aug 19,Sept 16,Oct 21, Nov 18, Dec 16.
Sunday-June 27-LI All-inclusive, Eisenhower Park, Lot#2, 10am-1pm.

TPPN-Tues-Jun 8, Sept 14, Oct 12, Nov 9, Dec 14,TPPN, UWS, Professionally Led Support Group, Elizabeth SIlk, LCSW, Nancy Kaufman, LCSW. Esilk2@earthlink.net, NLKaufman@yahoo.com.

Sunday July 11-The Mystic Aquarium, all-inclusive CT and NE Gathering, saxel95@aol.com
Thanks and best to all,
Sara Axel
516-967-7430
http://donorgroupsnyc.blogspot.com/