What is the NYC Gathering 1.25.10

The NYC Gathering is the name I gave the meetings I was holding, starting in 2002, when I couldnt find a support group to fit my needs and started my own. Instead of putting "DE" in the subject line I found out that people preferred not to have that info so easily seen on their email and the name stuck.

Here is how I define it today and what you will find listed on this Blogspot/Webpage.

The NYC Gathering Womens Dinners in Midtown-someone just asked me why dont we include men. And what do we do at a womens dinner. We cover whatever anyone wants, whatever point they are at in their journey. Unless there is a specific topic listed, almost every group I run is for people on the spectrum of third-party familiy-building, from considering it, trying to conceive, to parenting. We open the group up on occasion to professionals to make presentations, ie Lisa Schuman speaking on Adoption vs DE, or to learn and offer their support and expertise, ie Elizabeth Silk and others.

As for the Women Only part-We can try a mixed dinner. Please feel free to contact me to discuss it.

The NYC Gathering All-inclusive is for anyone on the spectrum as noted above, and anyone you want to bring that is interested in the process for themselves, to support you, as a friend or family member and kids. The kids usually get involved in their own stuff, playing or whatever, and the grown-ups hang-out. For me this is about friendship, creating community, new connections, support and something for our kids, so they will be able to know each other and be there for each other too. A new addition to the NYC Gathering is the professionally-led workshop. I will also be putting together a new list of volunteers who have offered to do individual peer-support for anyone new who would like to talk to another person about their experience.

NYC Update 1.24.10

Please see updates to Spring Schedule and New Events added to December 16, 2009 post, please look for the following in BLUE:

NYC Womens Dinners-special event April 26th on Disclosure with Nancy Kaufman.

Resolve LI meeting for May date changed and an additional event on Feb 7 on Disclosure Led by Harriet Rovner Ferguson.

Judy Kottick's Professionally-led support group and links to the YOUTUBE series.

NYC All-inclusive Gatherings-Feb 21 and April 11, new venue on the UWS, $5 per family to cover the rental of the playspace, kick in another $5 for PVED.org if you can.


We had a great time on January 14th at dinner with Diane Ehrensaft, author of Mommies, Daddies, Donors & Surrogates. She was as great to be with in person as she is in her book, helping us to sort out the questions and the answers that lie before us as a diverse group of parents and parents-to-be. We welcomed a few newbies, saw friends from various dinners and support boards.


Diane was as gracious, generous, and comforting as you would imagine her to be. We raised $180 in her honor for PVED.org.

From Lori, mom via donor sister...a few take aways from the dinner:

1) There are SO many ways to build a family and in the end, the result is a child...the same result when the traditional way works.

2) I really appreciated all Diane's insight on the age break-downs on telling. We are at that age now, and it gave me some good pointers.

3) It doesn't matter if your child looks like you or not, they are their own unique individual.

My own take-aways: The people that intended to have the child are the parents, period and 7 yrs old is a 'magical' age for disclosure.

This weekend I got to talk to my kids about not knowing whether they will have big feet like me (size 10, not likely) Joey asked, but thats how it started, or average (assuming) like our donor, whom Joey assumes is dead .She thinks everyone she never met is dead and I have nothing to do with that-she's just been obsessed with death again foir the last 6 months. I explained that I've never seen shoe size on a donor profile and that we may never know, and no, she's probably not dead since she donated for us at 27 yo and she'd be 33 now.

Spring 2010 Schedule NYC Gathering

Changes as of 1.24.10 are in BLUE

NYC WOMENS MIDTOWN DINNERS (Tuesdays,5:30-8:00 pm)
Jan 5
Feb 2
Mar 16
April 26-Special guest Nancy Kaufman, LCSW, Topic-Disclosure.
May 25
NJ-PVED Gathering Sunday Jan 31,2010-Replies Needed, All are welcome to Edgewater NJ, just over the GWB, 12:30-3:00 pm.

The NYC Gathering-All inclusive-Sunday Feb 21 and April 11 on the UWS, 12:30-3:30, $5 per family to rent the playspace and kick in another $5 for PVED.org if you can.

Connecticut Gathering-info to follow.

LONG ISLAND RESOLVE-Women Only, Peer-led Support Group(Third Thursday Monthly 6:30-8:30 pm at Panera in East Meadow)
Jan 21
FEB 7****Harriet Rovner Ferguson, LCSW will be leading us in a discussion on disclosure, 12:30-2pm in Stony Brook at the RSNY office on Rte 347. We will be meeting and talking to a de-conceived teen as well. Space is limited and almost booked up so please reply asap if interested to HarrietRov@aol.com or Saxel95@aol.com.
Feb 18
Mar 18
Apr 15
May 20****Date changed to May 13
June 17



TPPN (Third Party Parenting Network, Elizabeth Silk 212-873-6435 and Nancy Kaufman 212-772-1200, UWS, 7-8:30pm)
Jan 12
Feb 9
Mar 9
Apr 12
May 10
June 14


Family Building Network (Professionally led by Patricia Mendell, PMendell@aol.Com, midtown 6:30-9pm)
Jan 7, What to Consider When Creating a Family through Donor or Surrogacy
Jan 27, Follow-up discussion to November '09 workshop Conversations for Parents and Parents-to-be. This will also be an introduction to an on-going monthly group that will meet on the following Wednesdays:
Feb 24
Mar 24
April 21
May 26
Cost is $30, contact PMendell@aol.com for more info.


Mar 2 at 7pm in Montclair NJ, On-going Professionally-led Support Group Meets every other month. Contact Judykottick@comcast.net or call 973-746-7370 for more info. A few NYer's together in my car from midtown leaving @ 5:30 or so? The first session is free to new-comers and $20 after that.

PS-please see Judy Kottick, LCSW on YOUTUBE, she's part of the team that produced the JNJ series on Donor Egg and Surrogacy, featuring Allegra the donor-conceived teen, Donors, Recipients, etc...Judy appears on all but one of the series. Congratulations Judy!!!

Infertility - Egg Donors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA2z7ocWPZA

Infertility - Egg Donor Recipient
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RsExy4Pa9M

Infertility - Egg Donor child
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTgHRV8g1Fg

Surrogacy and Egg Donation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8W7M3ShFE4

Gestational Surrogacy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VcxbAgrWMc

Here's one on IVF:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZUvvfUa2FU
Here are the PPD segments:
http://www.youtube.com/user/JNJhealthhttp://www.youtube.com/user/JNJhealth#p/u/2/cibKJToxHlU

****Special Event****March 21,2010
Workshop:Conversations for Parents and Parents-to-be.
Professionally Led by Patricia Mendell and Jean Benward
Details to follow.

****Workshop at IACCenter****May 1,2010
Family Stories: How to talk to Children about Adoption and Donor Origins
Date: Saturday March 28, 2009
Time: 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Lunch will be served
Place: Robert Wood Johnson Center for Health & Wellness, 3100 Quakerbridge Road, Mercerville, NJ 08619 - LOCATED 10 minutes from Princeton and 5 minutes from the Hamilton Train Station
This workshop is for parents, parents-to-be and professionals who would like to learn how to talk to children at the different ages and stages they go through in understanding adoption and donor origins. Three separate tracks will be offered: one covering adoption, another discussing donor origin issues and a third track for kids to touch on these issues as well. You can follow one track or mix and match. This program is approved by the National Association of Social Workers (provider #886509641) for 5 continuing education contact hours. Professionals working with these issues can get CEU credits for attendance.
This workshop program has been developed by Joni S. Mantell, LCSW Director of IAC Center, a psychotherapist specializing in adoption, and a recognized expert on integrating adoption and child developmental issues and Judith Kottick, LCSW, Director of Fertility Counseling and Consulting Services, a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the field of reproductive counseling with a particular emphasis on egg donation and gestational carrier arrangements.

http://www.iaccenter.com/workshops/workshop-family-stories.asp

Reflecting and Expressing Gratitude

There are far too many people to name individually that I have come into contact with through this never-ending journey that have been a tremendous help to me and so many others.

I have been honored and priveledged to know some incredible people and although you may get sick of hearing me say this, it is absolutely true that the blessings I have and getting through all the challenges , would not have been possible without the help of others. Their journeys became a passion and a profession too, to be able to help others in the most impactful and meaningful ways.

This is more than a big mushy thank you, its a heartfelt statement about the importance of support, info, encouragement and of course, true friendship, all that began on-line.

In no particular order, here goes....

Marna Gatlin of http://www.pved.org/.

Mary Fusillo of http://www.thedonorsolution.com/

Lauri DeBrito of http://www.agency4solutions.com/

Lonny Higgins, author of Creating Life Against The Odds and http://www.solvinginfertility.com/.

There are many friends, people who helped just by being there to talk or to listen, help dust us off, pick ourselves up when we were down, wait-out or sort-out the big ones,(and didnt make this their life or profession) that have asked to remain anonymous. There are people that I will always consider family who were there for me in ways no one else could be. You know who you are and this is to all of the above-mentioned, to the anonymous bunch, to the new families and communities we are building together. I want to say thank you. Whether you know it or not you mean so much to me every single day.

To those of you reading and just starting out-reach out and make a new contact, attend a meeting or group, go on-line and join a forum. Make an appointment with a professional. Dont go through this alone. You wont be sorry. I promise.

Special Event Workshop Sunday, November 15, 2009

The NYC Gathering Presents
Families Created through Donor and Surrogacy

Professionally-led workshop created by
PATRICIA MENDELL, LCSW (www.jkfertility.com)
JUDITH KOTTICK , LCSW (www.patriciamendell.com)
Co-sponsored by
SARA AXEL ,
Peer Support Group Leader


THIS WORKSHOP IS FOR PARENTS AND PARENTS-TO-BE who are seeking the
tools to talk with children about family origins. Hear from professionals,
parents and children who will bring to life the disclosure process and
provide guidance on how to create meaningful family stories.
Participants will learn how to:

• Develop comfortable, age-appropriate language for the disclosure process
• Identify the different ages and stages children go through in understanding
their genetics and family origins
• Answer children’s questions with confidence
• Decide when and how to share with friends and family.

Disclosure: common themes, what we
know about healthy families, and current
research

Creating the Family Story: when to start;
how to begin the story; and answering
your child’s questions


Talking to “the others” in your life: grandparents,
siblings, extended family members,
neighbors, close friends, the pediatrician,
the teacher, the clergy, and other children.

Panel: donor/surrogate parents, and
donor children

Sunday November 15, 12:30-5pm, Upper West Side

To Register,please contact saxel95@aol.com (516-967-7430), Judykottick@comcast.net (973-746-7370), or Pmendell@aol.com (212-819-1778)

Cost $75 single, $95 Adults with Partner or children.
Includes: Handouts, Babysitting, Refreshments

NYC GATHERING, LI RESOLVE & TPPN SCHEDULE

NYC WOMENS MIDTOWN DINNERS (Tuesdays,5:30-8:00 pm)
Sept 22
Oct 22
Nov 24
Dec 15
Jan 5
Feb 2

****Special Professionally-led Workshop, all-inclusive, NOV 15th on the UWS, Details to follow******

*****Sunday in October-all-inclusive,Details to follow**************

LONG ISLAND RESOLVE-Women Only, Peer-led Support Group(Thursdays 6:30-8:30 pm at Panera in East Meadow)
Sept 17
Oct 15
Nov 19
Dec 17
Jan 21
Feb 18

TPPN (Third Party Parenting Network, Elizabeth Silk 212-873-6435 and Nancy Kaufman 212-772-1200, UWS, 7-8:30pm)
Sept 15
Oct 13
Nov 10
Dec 8
Jan 12
Feb 9

July NYC WOMENS DINNER and LI RESOLVE PEER GROUP

Womens Midtown Dinner Monday,July 13, 5:30-7:30 pm.
Womens Resolve LI Peer Group meeting, Thursday July 16, 6:30-8:30pm in East Meadow.

AFA June 2 Teleconference with Patricia Mendell and Joann Paley Galst

When its hard to get out for in-person counseling or peer group meetings, the teleconferences given by The AFA and Resolve can be very helpful.

On June 2 the topic was Disclosure and here is what Joann Paley Galst, PhD said in summing up....

There is no one right way to share this information with your child, It's
important that you are comfortable with your reproductive choices.If you
start early in sharing, you get to practice. You'll have lots of opportunities
to convey the message to your child. If you demonstrate love both to your child
and between members of the couple if you are a couple, you provide the security
within which kds can handle most anything.

I think I would add for single moms that by conveying your message with love and offering your child connections with both family and friends outside of your nuclear family, you will provide your child with honesty and security within the stability of your family, your heart, and the larger world of which your family is a part.

Joann Paley Galst, Ph.D.

Language

A very important topic to me is the language we use around 3rd Party Reproduction and Parenting.Not only does it educate others, I think it helps us to assimilate and accept what is not always an easy concept for many people to wrap their head around.

Diane Ehrensaft, in her book "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates", coined a phrase for what to call the donor, "Genetic Other". Its a favorite of mine although this is not complete for me so I am still on an inner quest to further define what a donor is to ME-before anyone actually legislates one. Lets not even go there.

Another one about parent and child is from Marna Gatlin at PVED.org:

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's.
Adopted Child (or add something else here): A natural child, whose parents are not imaginary, and is our own.

Marna just wrote a great article that she posted on the PVED blog.
The title is "I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom"!

Here is a link.

http://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/05/im-mom-im-mom-im-mom.html

June Events Updated 6.11.09

Thursday June 18, Womens Dinner in Midtown 5:30-7:30pm.

Thursday June 24, Donor Family Night with Donors,email PMendell@aol.com or go to theafa.org to register.

Thursday June 25, Island Resolve Peer Support Group 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Sunday June 28th, Upper West Side, All-inclusive NYC Gathering.All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN and anyone interested are welcome.