Spring 2010 Schedule NYC Gathering

Changes as of 1.24.10 are in BLUE

NYC WOMENS MIDTOWN DINNERS (Tuesdays,5:30-8:00 pm)
Jan 5
Feb 2
Mar 16
April 26-Special guest Nancy Kaufman, LCSW, Topic-Disclosure.
May 25
NJ-PVED Gathering Sunday Jan 31,2010-Replies Needed, All are welcome to Edgewater NJ, just over the GWB, 12:30-3:00 pm.

The NYC Gathering-All inclusive-Sunday Feb 21 and April 11 on the UWS, 12:30-3:30, $5 per family to rent the playspace and kick in another $5 for PVED.org if you can.

Connecticut Gathering-info to follow.

LONG ISLAND RESOLVE-Women Only, Peer-led Support Group(Third Thursday Monthly 6:30-8:30 pm at Panera in East Meadow)
Jan 21
FEB 7****Harriet Rovner Ferguson, LCSW will be leading us in a discussion on disclosure, 12:30-2pm in Stony Brook at the RSNY office on Rte 347. We will be meeting and talking to a de-conceived teen as well. Space is limited and almost booked up so please reply asap if interested to HarrietRov@aol.com or Saxel95@aol.com.
Feb 18
Mar 18
Apr 15
May 20****Date changed to May 13
June 17



TPPN (Third Party Parenting Network, Elizabeth Silk 212-873-6435 and Nancy Kaufman 212-772-1200, UWS, 7-8:30pm)
Jan 12
Feb 9
Mar 9
Apr 12
May 10
June 14


Family Building Network (Professionally led by Patricia Mendell, PMendell@aol.Com, midtown 6:30-9pm)
Jan 7, What to Consider When Creating a Family through Donor or Surrogacy
Jan 27, Follow-up discussion to November '09 workshop Conversations for Parents and Parents-to-be. This will also be an introduction to an on-going monthly group that will meet on the following Wednesdays:
Feb 24
Mar 24
April 21
May 26
Cost is $30, contact PMendell@aol.com for more info.


Mar 2 at 7pm in Montclair NJ, On-going Professionally-led Support Group Meets every other month. Contact Judykottick@comcast.net or call 973-746-7370 for more info. A few NYer's together in my car from midtown leaving @ 5:30 or so? The first session is free to new-comers and $20 after that.

PS-please see Judy Kottick, LCSW on YOUTUBE, she's part of the team that produced the JNJ series on Donor Egg and Surrogacy, featuring Allegra the donor-conceived teen, Donors, Recipients, etc...Judy appears on all but one of the series. Congratulations Judy!!!

Infertility - Egg Donors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA2z7ocWPZA

Infertility - Egg Donor Recipient
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RsExy4Pa9M

Infertility - Egg Donor child
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTgHRV8g1Fg

Surrogacy and Egg Donation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8W7M3ShFE4

Gestational Surrogacy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VcxbAgrWMc

Here's one on IVF:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZUvvfUa2FU
Here are the PPD segments:
http://www.youtube.com/user/JNJhealthhttp://www.youtube.com/user/JNJhealth#p/u/2/cibKJToxHlU

****Special Event****March 21,2010
Workshop:Conversations for Parents and Parents-to-be.
Professionally Led by Patricia Mendell and Jean Benward
Details to follow.

****Workshop at IACCenter****May 1,2010
Family Stories: How to talk to Children about Adoption and Donor Origins
Date: Saturday March 28, 2009
Time: 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Lunch will be served
Place: Robert Wood Johnson Center for Health & Wellness, 3100 Quakerbridge Road, Mercerville, NJ 08619 - LOCATED 10 minutes from Princeton and 5 minutes from the Hamilton Train Station
This workshop is for parents, parents-to-be and professionals who would like to learn how to talk to children at the different ages and stages they go through in understanding adoption and donor origins. Three separate tracks will be offered: one covering adoption, another discussing donor origin issues and a third track for kids to touch on these issues as well. You can follow one track or mix and match. This program is approved by the National Association of Social Workers (provider #886509641) for 5 continuing education contact hours. Professionals working with these issues can get CEU credits for attendance.
This workshop program has been developed by Joni S. Mantell, LCSW Director of IAC Center, a psychotherapist specializing in adoption, and a recognized expert on integrating adoption and child developmental issues and Judith Kottick, LCSW, Director of Fertility Counseling and Consulting Services, a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the field of reproductive counseling with a particular emphasis on egg donation and gestational carrier arrangements.

http://www.iaccenter.com/workshops/workshop-family-stories.asp

Reflecting and Expressing Gratitude

There are far too many people to name individually that I have come into contact with through this never-ending journey that have been a tremendous help to me and so many others.

I have been honored and priveledged to know some incredible people and although you may get sick of hearing me say this, it is absolutely true that the blessings I have and getting through all the challenges , would not have been possible without the help of others. Their journeys became a passion and a profession too, to be able to help others in the most impactful and meaningful ways.

This is more than a big mushy thank you, its a heartfelt statement about the importance of support, info, encouragement and of course, true friendship, all that began on-line.

In no particular order, here goes....

Marna Gatlin of http://www.pved.org/.

Mary Fusillo of http://www.thedonorsolution.com/

Lauri DeBrito of http://www.agency4solutions.com/

Lonny Higgins, author of Creating Life Against The Odds and http://www.solvinginfertility.com/.

There are many friends, people who helped just by being there to talk or to listen, help dust us off, pick ourselves up when we were down, wait-out or sort-out the big ones,(and didnt make this their life or profession) that have asked to remain anonymous. There are people that I will always consider family who were there for me in ways no one else could be. You know who you are and this is to all of the above-mentioned, to the anonymous bunch, to the new families and communities we are building together. I want to say thank you. Whether you know it or not you mean so much to me every single day.

To those of you reading and just starting out-reach out and make a new contact, attend a meeting or group, go on-line and join a forum. Make an appointment with a professional. Dont go through this alone. You wont be sorry. I promise.

Special Event Workshop Sunday, November 15, 2009

The NYC Gathering Presents
Families Created through Donor and Surrogacy

Professionally-led workshop created by
PATRICIA MENDELL, LCSW (www.jkfertility.com)
JUDITH KOTTICK , LCSW (www.patriciamendell.com)
Co-sponsored by
SARA AXEL ,
Peer Support Group Leader


THIS WORKSHOP IS FOR PARENTS AND PARENTS-TO-BE who are seeking the
tools to talk with children about family origins. Hear from professionals,
parents and children who will bring to life the disclosure process and
provide guidance on how to create meaningful family stories.
Participants will learn how to:

• Develop comfortable, age-appropriate language for the disclosure process
• Identify the different ages and stages children go through in understanding
their genetics and family origins
• Answer children’s questions with confidence
• Decide when and how to share with friends and family.

Disclosure: common themes, what we
know about healthy families, and current
research

Creating the Family Story: when to start;
how to begin the story; and answering
your child’s questions


Talking to “the others” in your life: grandparents,
siblings, extended family members,
neighbors, close friends, the pediatrician,
the teacher, the clergy, and other children.

Panel: donor/surrogate parents, and
donor children

Sunday November 15, 12:30-5pm, Upper West Side

To Register,please contact saxel95@aol.com (516-967-7430), Judykottick@comcast.net (973-746-7370), or Pmendell@aol.com (212-819-1778)

Cost $75 single, $95 Adults with Partner or children.
Includes: Handouts, Babysitting, Refreshments

NYC GATHERING, LI RESOLVE & TPPN SCHEDULE

NYC WOMENS MIDTOWN DINNERS (Tuesdays,5:30-8:00 pm)
Sept 22
Oct 22
Nov 24
Dec 15
Jan 5
Feb 2

****Special Professionally-led Workshop, all-inclusive, NOV 15th on the UWS, Details to follow******

*****Sunday in October-all-inclusive,Details to follow**************

LONG ISLAND RESOLVE-Women Only, Peer-led Support Group(Thursdays 6:30-8:30 pm at Panera in East Meadow)
Sept 17
Oct 15
Nov 19
Dec 17
Jan 21
Feb 18

TPPN (Third Party Parenting Network, Elizabeth Silk 212-873-6435 and Nancy Kaufman 212-772-1200, UWS, 7-8:30pm)
Sept 15
Oct 13
Nov 10
Dec 8
Jan 12
Feb 9

July NYC WOMENS DINNER and LI RESOLVE PEER GROUP

Womens Midtown Dinner Monday,July 13, 5:30-7:30 pm.
Womens Resolve LI Peer Group meeting, Thursday July 16, 6:30-8:30pm in East Meadow.

AFA June 2 Teleconference with Patricia Mendell and Joann Paley Galst

When its hard to get out for in-person counseling or peer group meetings, the teleconferences given by The AFA and Resolve can be very helpful.

On June 2 the topic was Disclosure and here is what Joann Paley Galst, PhD said in summing up....

There is no one right way to share this information with your child, It's
important that you are comfortable with your reproductive choices.If you
start early in sharing, you get to practice. You'll have lots of opportunities
to convey the message to your child. If you demonstrate love both to your child
and between members of the couple if you are a couple, you provide the security
within which kds can handle most anything.

I think I would add for single moms that by conveying your message with love and offering your child connections with both family and friends outside of your nuclear family, you will provide your child with honesty and security within the stability of your family, your heart, and the larger world of which your family is a part.

Joann Paley Galst, Ph.D.

Language

A very important topic to me is the language we use around 3rd Party Reproduction and Parenting.Not only does it educate others, I think it helps us to assimilate and accept what is not always an easy concept for many people to wrap their head around.

Diane Ehrensaft, in her book "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates", coined a phrase for what to call the donor, "Genetic Other". Its a favorite of mine although this is not complete for me so I am still on an inner quest to further define what a donor is to ME-before anyone actually legislates one. Lets not even go there.

Another one about parent and child is from Marna Gatlin at PVED.org:

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's.
Adopted Child (or add something else here): A natural child, whose parents are not imaginary, and is our own.

Marna just wrote a great article that she posted on the PVED blog.
The title is "I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom"!

Here is a link.

http://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/05/im-mom-im-mom-im-mom.html

June Events Updated 6.11.09

Thursday June 18, Womens Dinner in Midtown 5:30-7:30pm.

Thursday June 24, Donor Family Night with Donors,email PMendell@aol.com or go to theafa.org to register.

Thursday June 25, Island Resolve Peer Support Group 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Sunday June 28th, Upper West Side, All-inclusive NYC Gathering.All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN and anyone interested are welcome.

IACCenter-Recap of Workshop held in March'09

I have been given permission to post this portion of the IACCenter newsletter. I couldnt make it to the event but did send in feedback about starting the dialogue and Life Cycle Donor Issues at a Glance Chart for donor families as they have for Adoption. I know there are similarities but there are also differences so while we can learn from the Adoption model in general it doesnt, IMHO, cover all of what comes up in donor issues.

I certainly applaud what Judith Kottick and Joni Mantell are doing at the IACCenter in NJ and hope to see more being offered from them and workshops like this one from other professionals in the field.......


From The IACCenter Newsletter


In March we held the Family Stories: How to Talk to Children About Adoption and Donor Origins Workshop and here are the five top reasons I loved it!

1. We brought together families formed through adoption and through donor origins and in this way were able to reinforce exactly what we want the children to know: Families are formed in different ways.

2. The audience loved hearing the personal perspectives of our panelists including:

Parents through adoption, donor egg and donor sperm
A Birth parent
Two teens sharing their perspectives on their adoption and donor origin stories respectively
An adult adoptee
3. Collaborating with Judy Kottick, LCSW of www.jkfertilitycounseling.com and exploring the similarities and differences in talking to children about adoption and

donor origins.


4. The IAC Center Counselors: Lauren Scheiner moderating the panel on talking to kids from ages 7 to 12 about adoption; Sasha Martone speaking about transracial family adoption issues and how to use lifebooks with children; and Beverly Andres' creative perspective on using movies and other impromptu opportunities to communicate with children and teens about their sense of identity and other feelings related to adoption.

5. And most of all I loved that by the end of the day many of the parents shared their own feelings and experiences, and in this way connected the most important dot. Parents can learn the developmental and psychological information about the ages and stages that children go through in understanding their family stories; and even some of the better verbal responses to children's questions at workshops; by reading books or even from magazine articles these days. But, the reality is that talking to kids about their origins is difficult primarily because it touches on the parents' own issues. In making this connection, I believe that these parents are really on their way to more effectively communicating with their children about their family stories.

Children will pick up their parents' tone; the aspects of their story that their parents avoid or focus a lot on; and basically how their parents feel about adoption and specifically about their birth parents. Children take their parents' feelings very seriously. At the IAC Centers, we believe that helping parents with their feelings about adoption is the first and most critical step toward helping the children understand their stories; building self-esteem and confidence in their identities; and towards building all different kinds of happy families.

In response to the amazing energy at this conference, I created a Life Cycle Adoption Issues At A Glance Chart to further the dialogue and understanding amongst all adoption triad members. My hope is that this chart simply serves to stimulate your thinking about adoption and the way it touches your own life and the lives of those you love; as well as talking points to promote further discussion about adoption in your own family, in IAC Center Groups and with whomever else you discuss these topics. Toward that goal, let's start the dialogue now. Please send any comments, reactions and points of view about this to me at JMantellMSW@iaccenter.com While I cannot promise a response to every email, I will with your permission create a composite of all of the responses for the next newsletter.

We are here for you at all points along the way in your journey,

IACCenter-Recap of Workshop held in March'09

I have been given permission to post this portion of the IACCenter newsletter. I couldnt make it to the event but did send in feedback about starting the dialogue and Life Cycle Donor Issues at a Glance Chart for donor families as they have for Adoption. I know there are similarities but there are also differences so while we can learn from the Adoption model in general it doesnt, IMHO, cover all of what comes up in donor issues.

I certainly applaud what Judith Kottick and Joni Mantell are doing at the IACCenter in NJ and hope to see more being offered from them and workshops like this one from other professionals in the field.......


From The IACCenter Newsletter


In March we held the Family Stories: How to Talk to Children About Adoption and Donor Origins Workshop and here are the five top reasons I loved it!

1. We brought together families formed through adoption and through donor origins and in this way were able to reinforce exactly what we want the children to know: Families are formed in different ways.

2. The audience loved hearing the personal perspectives of our panelists including:

Parents through adoption, donor egg and donor sperm
A Birth parent
Two teens sharing their perspectives on their adoption and donor origin stories respectively
An adult adoptee
3. Collaborating with Judy Kottick, LCSW of www.jkfertilitycounseling.com and exploring the similarities and differences in talking to children about adoption and

donor origins.


4. The IAC Center Counselors: Lauren Scheiner moderating the panel on talking to kids from ages 7 to 12 about adoption; Sasha Martone speaking about transracial family adoption issues and how to use lifebooks with children; and Beverly Andres' creative perspective on using movies and other impromptu opportunities to communicate with children and teens about their sense of identity and other feelings related to adoption.

5. And most of all I loved that by the end of the day many of the parents shared their own feelings and experiences, and in this way connected the most important dot. Parents can learn the developmental and psychological information about the ages and stages that children go through in understanding their family stories; and even some of the better verbal responses to children's questions at workshops; by reading books or even from magazine articles these days. But, the reality is that talking to kids about their origins is difficult primarily because it touches on the parents' own issues. In making this connection, I believe that these parents are really on their way to more effectively communicating with their children about their family stories.

Children will pick up their parents' tone; the aspects of their story that their parents avoid or focus a lot on; and basically how their parents feel about adoption and specifically about their birth parents. Children take their parents' feelings very seriously. At the IAC Centers, we believe that helping parents with their feelings about adoption is the first and most critical step toward helping the children understand their stories; building self-esteem and confidence in their identities; and towards building all different kinds of happy families.

In response to the amazing energy at this conference, I created a Life Cycle Adoption Issues At A Glance Chart to further the dialogue and understanding amongst all adoption triad members. My hope is that this chart simply serves to stimulate your thinking about adoption and the way it touches your own life and the lives of those you love; as well as talking points to promote further discussion about adoption in your own family, in IAC Center Groups and with whomever else you discuss these topics. Toward that goal, let's start the dialogue now. Please send any comments, reactions and points of view about this to me at JMantellMSW@iaccenter.com While I cannot promise a response to every email, I will with your permission create a composite of all of the responses for the next newsletter.

We are here for you at all points along the way in your journey,

May-June 2009

Tuesday May 12, TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, Thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or call 212-873-6435 for more info.

Thursday May 14,Building Families Through Egg Donation, Sperm Donation and Gestational Surrogacy, 6pm in NYC at the LGBT Community Center at 208 West 13th, presented by New England Fertility Institute. Contact mwelch@nefertility.com or call 203-325-3200 x 329. Reservations Needed Please.

Sunday May 17th-All-inclusive Gathering at Saddle River County Park in Paramus NJ, 1-4pm. All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN are welcome and an indoor back-up is planned if the weather isnt cooperating.

Weds May 20th-Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30pm.

Weds May 27th-Long Island Resolve Peer Support Group: 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Tuesday June 9, TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, Thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or call 212-873-6435 for more info.

Thursday June 18, Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5L30-7:30pm.

Thursday June 25, Island Resolve Peer Support Group: 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Sunday June 28th, Upper West Side, All-inclusive Gathering.All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN and anyone interested may attend.

May-June 2009

Tuesday May 12, TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, Thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or call 212-873-6435 for more info.

Thursday May 14,Building Families Through Egg Donation, Sperm Donation and Gestational Surrogacy, 6pm in NYC at the LGBT Community Center at 208 West 13th, presented by New England Fertility Institute. Contact mwelch@nefertility.com or call 203-325-3200 x 329. Reservations Needed Please.

Sunday May 17th-All-inclusive Gathering at Saddle River County Park in Paramus NJ, 1-4pm. All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN are welcome and an indoor back-up is planned if the weather isnt cooperating.

Weds May 20th-Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30pm.

Weds May 27th-Long Island Resolve Peer Support Group: 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Tuesday June 9, TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, Thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or call 212-873-6435 for more info.

Thursday June 18, Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5L30-7:30pm.

Thursday June 25, Island Resolve Peer Support Group: 3rd Part Parenting and Repro Mtg in East Meadow, 6:30-8:30pm, Women only.

Sunday June 28th, Upper West Side, All-inclusive Gathering.All MVED, PVED FVED SMC TPPN and anyone interested may attend.

April -May Mtg update

Please be advised that the NYC Gathering on 4-26-09 has been cancelled and note the following meeting dates for April and May so far:

April 14-TPPN-UWS.
April 21-NYC Womens Dinner.
April 23-LI Resolve.
May 3-NYC All-inclusive.
May 12-TPPN-UWS.

April -May Mtg update

Please be advised that the NYC Gathering on 4-26-09 has been cancelled and note the following meeting dates for April and May so far:

April 14-TPPN-UWS.
April 21-NYC Womens Dinner.
April 23-LI Resolve.
May 3-NYC All-inclusive.
May 12-TPPN-UWS.

3 NYC Gathering Members added to list of volunteers

Additional peer support is available from 3 of our group members. All are good friends who have made this offer to be able to help others one-on-one by phone appointment.

Please contact me if you would like to talk to one of these women about de, de/ds for smc's, de/gs, the journey as well as parenting.

If you would like to become a volunteer please let me know.

3 NYC Gathering Members added to list of volunteers

Additional peer support is available from 3 of our group members. All are good friends who have made this offer to be able to help others one-on-one by phone appointment.

Please contact me if you would like to talk to one of these women about de, de/ds for smc's, de/gs, the journey as well as parenting.

If you would like to become a volunteer please let me know.

TPPN Meeting Thank You Note

Thanks to all who attended last nights meeting. You were all really there for me and I appreciate it so much.

Nancy and Elizabeth run a great group. We shared our thoughts, feelings and experiences and everyone was heard and supported, all within our varying opinions and perspectives.

Particularly helpful to me was hearing Eric Schwartzman's views on being a DI Dad and we all considered how donor conception and all the 3rd party options impact our kids and how we think we will handle it into the future.

For me, I'm not ready for the DSR, but learning from everyone here at this meeting (pro and con), I am trying to remain open-minded and gear myself up for whatever approach my kids want to take when the time comes. My aim would be to support them and help them accomplish their goals and meet their own needs. I hope they too will share their journey with me.

I was also able to explore my own issues as they pertain to DE, ie my family of origin, my heritage, my genome. And back to understanding that it isnt just about me anymore. As Nancy has told me, this is now OUR FAMILY story, not just mine or my kids.

Thanks again to all who attended and to Elizabeth and Nancy for hosting and facilitating.

The TPPN Meeting is held on the 2nd Tuesday of the month, from 7-8:30 on the Upper West Side. Call 212-873-6435 or 212-772-1200, email- thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com and the cost is $30.

TPPN Meeting Thank You Note

Thanks to all who attended last nights meeting. You were all really there for me and I appreciate it so much.

Nancy and Elizabeth run a great group. We shared our thoughts, feelings and experiences and everyone was heard and supported, all within our varying opinions and perspectives.

Particularly helpful to me was hearing Eric Schwartzman's views on being a DI Dad and we all considered how donor conception and all the 3rd party options impact our kids and how we think we will handle it into the future.

For me, I'm not ready for the DSR, but learning from everyone here at this meeting (pro and con), I am trying to remain open-minded and gear myself up for whatever approach my kids want to take when the time comes. My aim would be to support them and help them accomplish their goals and meet their own needs. I hope they too will share their journey with me.

I was also able to explore my own issues as they pertain to DE, ie my family of origin, my heritage, my genome. And back to understanding that it isnt just about me anymore. As Nancy has told me, this is now OUR FAMILY story, not just mine or my kids.

Thanks again to all who attended and to Elizabeth and Nancy for hosting and facilitating.

The TPPN Meeting is held on the 2nd Tuesday of the month, from 7-8:30 on the Upper West Side. Call 212-873-6435 or 212-772-1200, email- thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com and the cost is $10.

From Lonny Higgins, Author of "Creating Life Against The Odds

I am honored and extend my thanks again to the amazing and wonderful Lonny Higgins for the first blog entry....


I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny

From Lonny Higgins, Author of "Creating Life Against The Odds

I am honored and extend my thanks again to the amazing and wonderful Lonny Higgins for the first blog entry....


I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny

Mar-Apr'09 NY Area Events and Update

March 10-TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, email thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or Elizabeth Silk at 212-873-6435 or Nancy Kaufman at 212-772-1200.

March 19-Building Families through Surrogacy, 6pm in White Plains-Panel includes Gad Lavy of New England Fertility, Melissa Brisman Esa and Judith Kottick LCSW, contact mwelch@nefertility.com or 203-325-3200 or http://www.northeast.resolve.org/ click on calendar.

March 19-NYC Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30pm.

March 28th-IACCenter-Family Stories-How to talk to Children about Adoption and Origins, 9am-3pm, 609-737-8750, http://www.iaccenter.com/.

March 26-Long Island Resolve-Womens meeting, 6:30-8:30 in East Meadow.

April 14-TPPN-Meeting, Upper West Side, email thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or Elizabeth Silk at 212-873-6435 or Nancy Kaufman at 212-772-1200.

April 20th-NYC Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30 pm.

April 23-Long Island Resolve-Womens Meeting, 6:30-8:30 in East Meadow.

April 26-NYC Gathering All-inclusive, 12:30-3:30 pm, Upper West Side.

Mar-Apr'09 NY Area Events and Update

March 10-TPPN Meeting, Upper West Side, email thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or Elizabeth Silk at 212-873-6435 or Nancy Kaufman at 212-772-1200.

March 19-Building Families through Surrogacy, 6pm in White Plains-Panel includes Gad Lavy of New England Fertility, Melissa Brisman Esa and Judith Kottick LCSW, contact mwelch@nefertility.com or 203-325-3200 or http://www.northeast.resolve.org/ click on calendar.

March 19-NYC Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30pm.

March 28th-IACCenter-Family Stories-How to talk to Children about Adoption and Origins, 9am-3pm, 609-737-8750, http://www.iaccenter.com/.

March 26-Long Island Resolve-Womens meeting, 6:30-8:30 in East Meadow.

April 14-TPPN-Meeting, Upper West Side, email thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com or Elizabeth Silk at 212-873-6435 or Nancy Kaufman at 212-772-1200.

April 20th-NYC Womens Dinner in Midtown, 5:30-7:30 pm.

April 23-Long Island Resolve-Womens Meeting, 6:30-8:30 in East Meadow.

April 26-NYC Gathering All-inclusive, 12:30-3:30 pm, Upper West Side.