Who Are You? The Ethics and Impact of Donor Conception | Independent Lens Blog

"Donor-conceived children often feel as adopted kids do: that the secrecy around their creation makes it feel taboo or shameful."


I think the secrecy is because of what's waiting on the other side of disclosure and that is was causes the shame.


If we are open about donor conception, how can we then be prepared when our kids read and hear from allover the media and close to home that all ivf and third party reproduction is unethical in the first place, that its also "the fertility industry's dirty little secret", and that parents like me have used an egg donor and "left them to be used and then forgotten", we are going to need more tools than a few children's books to deal with this issue,


Remember, its about the kids, right?

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/who-are-you-the-ethics-and-impact-of-donor-conception

S/Elective Reduction, ART, Surrogacy, and the News According to My Kids

I have not read the 341 comments written to the NYTimes in the 30 hrs since this article posted. It does tell you that people are very opinionated when it comes to pregnancy and fertility treatment, highlighting the distinction between having an abortion, making a heart breaking choice, and choosing reduction over having twins..

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/14/magazine/the-two-minus-one-pregnancy.html

No doubt, people are opinionated about how children are conceived as well as how they are raised, defining who they are raised by and what makes a family. I first thought the Theresa Erickson story this week was just inflammatory language that I am used to seeing in headlines about third party reproduction. Then I saw that it was a real news story but got quickly sidetracked before I really got to read the details. I figured she pled guilty to whatever she did wrong and that says something positive for whatever it's worth. Then I got a call in the middle of the night about what went on all week that I was in the dark about. I was not on vacation or living in a cave for the week, I just was not paying attention to the fertility world.

I'm not being cavalier about the situation, but I will leave it to the legal and ART experts to blog and comment on regulation, and what Theresa actually did wrong in all of the details. But someday I'm going to have to explain the juicy headlines on this topic and more to my kids.

Fear not, I have not discussed this one yet with my kids. But they did attend the workshop of The NYC Gathering that Theresa attended in June 2010. She and I were both written about by "Shark Tank Girl" the next day. I was a 2-time guest on Theresa's radio show, once about talking to my kids about their donor conception and the other about the film Eggsploitation (yes, I get the irony). I have been written about and written to by some pretty mean and angry people who have no regard for who I am or the well-being of my kids, and that's what I would like to talk about today.

One of my biggest worries about donor parenting, and I have yet to see the mental health professionals that I have come across so far be able to address this, is what will all this news do to my kids? For example, I was told when the Shark Tank Girl had written her piece about the workshop, to ignore it, it will go away. I don't believe bad press goes away. I have only seen one item posted to the internet that I couldnt find again, knowing that it was purposely taken down I could probably make a phone call to get it. Thats a different topic, just making the point that the internet is forever, there's no way around it.

I worry about how my kids will feel when they see that I was associated with this person-and I'm not even saying she's a bad person because I certainly dont know the whole story and will reserve judgement on the big picture of what went wrong for Theresa for a while, thats not what I'm writing about here, and I'm not even just talking about Theresa. I'm talking about the headlines in general, the spin, the opinions of people who never agreed with egg donation and surrogacy or even IVF in the first place. I'm talking about the people who will never again look at me or us as regular people just like them. What do you expect will be the effects among the kids who are the product of what other people perceive as unethical, taudry, commercial, commodified, exploitative, etc, what do you think will be the outcome of using those labels?

Made To Order Babies: When Reproductive Medicine Breaks the Law

As with anything Pam Madsen writes, this is also worth reading.

http://www.thefertilityadvocate.com/2011/08/made-to-order-babies-when-reproductive-medicine-is-breaks-the-law/

My Great Story-Living with Down Syndrome

This was a fantastic segment on Talk Stoop with an actor who has been on television and is involved with this project. He would like to call it UP Syndrome.

http://ndss.org/index.php?option=com_mgs

Books and Apps Teaching Kids About Their Emotions

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/04/New-books-apps-teach-kids-about-their-emotions/45659778/1

My Comments Posted to The NY Times on The Twiblings

This took 2 days of moderation to get posted. I thought it didnt make it because of the PVED plug but it did. I wrote in again without the PVED part and that one made it too, similar but tweaked.

99.

Sara Axel

New York, NY

January 13th, 2011

10:38 am

Thank you for writing this article and discussion.I started the NYC Gathering in 2002 as an in-person peer support group for people thinking about creating, trying to create a family, and parenting through donor-conception and surrogacy. Back then we thought that we'd be much further along by now in public acceptance and attitudes of others, but sadly we have much further to go. The article gives me hope for some sanity but sadly I and others still get weird or downright mean) comments, on-line and to our faces about ourselves and our kids, and its what keeps most of us in the closet. I've been criticized for outing my kids but I refuse to hide in shame. I won't out anyone who comes to our groups (and there is also secure on-line support at PVED.ORG), and I will continue to take these kinds of public hits from others who have no idea what my life or family life is like (and think I'm not really the only mom so I can't really be there for my kids when they find out how hurt and angry they too should be about all this). I do this in hope that someday we will have a safe community for our families where we don't have to fear such harsh words or judgments of others.624.

Sara Axel

New York, NY

January 14th, 2011

10:26 am

Thanks #618-Crista (and of course to Melanie for the article).In the years since starting a peer support group in NYC for anyone thinking of, trying to conceive and parenting through donor and surrogacy in 2002, I can count on 1 hand how many traditional, hetero families have been comfortable and open about this family-building journey without caring about the judgement or harsh words from others, let alone write about it in the NY Times Magazine. I've been targeted myself, taken some hits from people who say I wont be able to comfort my kids when they are mourning the loss of their other mother, and more of the same kind of criticism written in the comments here. I don't think too many more people will want to come out of the closet if this is whats waiting for them on the other side. Its really too bad, because we've finally overcome so many other stigmas, I just don't understand why we have to create or perpetuate this one.