Nancy Freeman-Carroll, Psy.D.
On Monday, October 1, 2012, the
William Alanson White Institute Parent Center presented an evening discussion
for parents, mental health professionals, and educators entitled:
Parenting After Assisted
Reproduction:
What You Wanted to Know But Were
Afraid to Ask
I participated in this panel discussion,
along with my colleagues Allison Rosen and Anne Malave. What follows is a
summary of my part in the panel, “Thinking about Disclosure: Some ideas
about what to talk about, when and how (Including videos to watch on
YouTube!).”
It’s not uncommon… Parents worry about how
to talk about assisted conception with their kids, with their family and
friends, with their kids’ friends, teachers, classmates, etc. In my
experience, nearly everyone who uses egg donation, at some point, wants to know
how to talk about it, and even if they begin talking, they have questions down
the line, as their kids grow, about what to say next, or how often to talk
about it. So, you, too, may find yourself up late (or very early)
searching online for more information about talking about Assisted
Conception.
The Internet can offer too much
information or you can find information antagonistic to the choice of assisted
conception, so I would like to suggest a useful shortcut. Try going
straight to Johnson & Johnson Health Channel (full disclosure: I have no relationship
to this organization) – and look for Egg Donor Child. You will find a
video interview of Allegra and also a video of her with her mother.
Allegra and her twin brother were the first children born from egg donation in
New Jersey; she is an articulate young adult who speaks to many concerns about disclosure.
I’d like to use Allegra’s interview to
talk about disclosure and why it is important.
Here are three things Allegra says that I
think should be highlighted:
1. “I’ve known I was conceived via
egg donation for as long as I can remember.”
2. “I don’t know very much about the
donor…I kind of like keeping it in my imagination, like a mystery – cause it is
a mystery and a miracle that I was born…”
3. “I’m not genetically connected to
my mother, but we are very much alike”
Allegra was told about her conception via
donor egg at such a young age that she can’t remember much about a time when
she didn’t know this about herself. Simply, this information has been
with her, and her understanding of it has grown as she developed. Children
learn about all sorts of things that make up their identity in much the same
way, for example, who is in their family, what gender they are, and what values
matter in their family.
The main advantage of early disclosure is
clear: there is time to learn about assisted conception as children
grow. In a perfect world, parents should try speaking about their choice
of assisted conception from the very beginning, even before their children can
understand what they are talking about. The main resistance to talking
about donor conception is parent’s discomfort. The easiest way for
parent’s to address their feelings about talking is to try it, and repeat it,
again, and again.
Children approach this subject and others
that parents might find difficult, like how are babies made, with curiosity and
interest; they have no preconceptions about what is the right or normal way to
be conceived or who is in a family. Adults have to come to terms with
their life stories so that they can speak of them more easily.
When parents can use the language of
assisted conception in a matter of fact way (i.e.: for you to be born we
needed a sperm/ovum donor and that made it possible for you to be created) then
they can add to the child’s understanding of reproduction as they grow up
(i.e.: We all come from the combination of ovum from a woman and sperm
from a man. These special cells have inside them information about how
our bodies will grow). Talking easily about reproduction is a challenge for
individuals who have struggled with infertility. Starting early gives
parents time to get used to telling their story.
Allegra’s mother choose to tell her kids
at around age three, using a moment when someone complimented them on their
swimming – she chose this because it provided an example of something that she
felt differentiated herself (and in this case her husband too) and her children
–she could confidently say – Daddy and I can’t do this, but you can, and your
donor could too (she was a life guard) – you and your donor are alike in this
way. Young children can learn that there is another person who was
involved in their creation, without really understanding what this means, and
parents can help them gain real understanding of the fact of donor gametes as
they grow more sophisticated in their thinking about reproduction and
genetics. There are many moments in life that leave room for this kind of
conversation – all the most obvious aspects of appearance –many of which have a
clear genetic component, such as eye color –create space to introduce the
donor.
Early talking erases the problem of
finding the “perfect” time to talk about assisted conception – but timing also
matters in how often and when you talk about the donor. As with most of
life, moderation is key—not too much, but also, not never! All
children need room to identify with their parents, and in usual, loving
situations, they will, no matter what they know about the genetic connections
they have or do not have with a parent. Allegra, for example, emphasizes
how she and her mother are very much alike, even though they look completely
different! She also de-emphasizes what she knows about the donor (minimal
info typical of an anonymous donor), and chooses instead to fashion something positive
and wonderful from this problematic mystery.
In many families, where donors are
anonymous, parents have no choice but to present their children with this
special problem: the donor is a specific person who gave a very special
part that made your birth possible, AND we may never know more about that
person or more about that special part, her DNA. This conundrum is a unique
benefit of disclosure! As kids grow and gradually understand DNA and
genetics, they will learn that we know some things (i.e.: DNA is important) and
other things are a mystery (i.e.: how environment—in utero, early, later,
etc.—interacts with genetics from moment one throughout life). Who we
become is mysterious and miraculous! Children who have the opportunity to
talk about this with their parents from a young age are getting early training
in how to hold contradictory and complex ideas in mind, and this is a great
life skill.
Stay tuned for a follow-up panel
discussion, again at the White Institute, including myself and colleagues, on
January 30, 2013! In the meantime, I can be contacted at drnancyfreemancarroll@gmail.com
or 212-6650442.
