The NYC Gathering

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Sunday, September 5, 2010

The NYC Gathering-DINNER RECAP with Carole Lieber-Wilkins, LCSW 8.2.10

Tremendous thanks again to Carole for joining us-here are some highlights of our discussion. Recommendations and resources on disclosure-
Our Story-a series of books and the Telling + Talking series of
pamphlets/downloads available through the Donor Conception Network (uk).
Kim Noble's Book, One More Giraffe.
In Lonny Higgins book Creating Life Against the Odds,she talks about writing
your own story.
Elaine Gordons book-Mommy did I grow in your tummy?
And the Phoebe's Family (?) book.
Carole likes most books in general,using them to see what the child is drawn
to,you'll be discussing and answering the questions in your own way over a period of time anyway. (Ps-September NYC Gathering meeting will be a Book Club discussion-bring your kids books on disclosure and Nancy Freeman PhD will lead us in this session). Carole recommends calling our donors "helpers" when the kids are young,donors later, but also working through our feelings and fears around what we might perceive as having to share our motherhood,our role as a mother,or our family. See prior post mentioning Marna on Pved who did a piece on the word mother and its meaning being more than simply about genetic or even biological parentage/origins which still resonates for me.We talked about the whether donors are like birth-mothers being a branch of the family tree. Carole pointed out that we have to do some personal work to overcome these issues to be able to have open communication about donor conception with our children,but the more we talk the less "big" it will seem or feel to us. The reverse being that the more you try to contain or silence something the bigger is actually becomes.Having ready-made answers to resemblance and other comments or questions was also a good topic for us as we can be easily caught off guard or just sensitive in the early years around different issues we are getting used to.What I felt Carole was conveying most to us is that we WILL get more comfortablewith time and some effort, but we will succeed.

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