My just right donor, by L

It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.


A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.


We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.


I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.


So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?


First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.

Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.


And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”


We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.


We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.


We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.


A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.

That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.


What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.

Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.

Friends by Chance. Families by Choice. Events 2010

HOLD THE DATE: NYC GATHERING WORKSHOP NOV 14,2010. DETAILS TO FOLLOW. Anyone (peer or professional) interested in leading or suggesting specific topics for small roundtable discussion groups at this event please let me know.


Monday Sept 13-The NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in Midtown (CHILDRENS BOOK REVIEW-discussion led by Psychologist and Donor Mom, Dr. Nancy Freeman Carroll), Mon Oct 18, Tues 11-16, Mon 12-13 saxel95@aol.com. 516-967-7430, 5:30-7:30pm.

Thursday Sept 16-Long Island Resolve Peer-Led Support Group-Third Thursdays Monthly -Oct 21, Nov 18, Dec 16, 7-9pm. Saxel95@aol.com, 516-967-7430.

Tuesday 9-14 -Judith Kottick,LCSW -Montclair NJ,Support Group for Donor Parenting Judykottick@comcast.netTuesdays 10-26,12-7.
Weds 9-15-Midtown-Family Building Network for Donor Conception and Surrogacy-Support Group with Patricia Mendell, LCSW, 10-20,11-17,12-15,1-19 from 7-9pm., pmendell@aol.com

Weds-Anne Malave, PHd-Support Group for Women ExplorinEgg Donation-2nd and 4th Weds of the month, 7-8:30 pm, afmalave@aol.com ,212-787-1304.

Tues Sept 9-14-Upper West Side- Oct 12, Nov 9, Dec 14,Support Group, Elizabeth SIlk, LCSW, 212-873-6434 , Nancy Kaufman, LCSW, 212-772-1200 or thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com.

Thursdays-Midtown Not strictly Third Party Reproduction, open (free) drop-in group Carolyn Berger, LCSW. at Batzofin Fertility Center in Midtown on the 1st and 3rd Thursday each month, 6-7:3pm. cnberger@optonline.net 914-834-6396.

The NYC Gathering-DINNER RECAP with Carole Lieber-Wilkins, LCSW 8.2.10

Tremendous thanks again to Carole for joining us-here are some highlights of our discussion. Recommendations and resources on disclosure-
Our Story-a series of books and the Telling + Talking series of
pamphlets/downloads available through the Donor Conception Network (uk).
Kim Noble's Book, One More Giraffe.
In Lonny Higgins book Creating Life Against the Odds,she talks about writing
your own story.
Elaine Gordons book-Mommy did I grow in your tummy?
And the Phoebe's Family (?) book.
Carole likes most books in general,using them to see what the child is drawn
to,you'll be discussing and answering the questions in your own way over a period of time anyway. (Ps-September NYC Gathering meeting will be a Book Club discussion-bring your kids books on disclosure and Nancy Freeman PhD will lead us in this session). Carole recommends calling our donors "helpers" when the kids are young,donors later, but also working through our feelings and fears around what we might perceive as having to share our motherhood,our role as a mother,or our family. See prior post mentioning Marna on Pved who did a piece on the word mother and its meaning being more than simply about genetic or even biological parentage/origins which still resonates for me.We talked about the whether donors are like birth-mothers being a branch of the family tree. Carole pointed out that we have to do some personal work to overcome these issues to be able to have open communication about donor conception with our children,but the more we talk the less "big" it will seem or feel to us. The reverse being that the more you try to contain or silence something the bigger is actually becomes.Having ready-made answers to resemblance and other comments or questions was also a good topic for us as we can be easily caught off guard or just sensitive in the early years around different issues we are getting used to.What I felt Carole was conveying most to us is that we WILL get more comfortablewith time and some effort, but we will succeed.

NYC Fall/Winter 2010 Events

HOLD THE DATE: NYC GATHERING WORKSHOP NOV 14,2010. DETAILS TO FOLLOW. Anyone (peer or professional) interested in leading or suggesting specific topics for small roundtable discussion groups at this event please let me know.

Monday Sept 13-The NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in Midtown (CHILDRENS BOOK REVIEW-discussion led by Psychologist and Donor Mom, Dr. Nancy Freeman Carroll), Mon Oct 18, Tues 11-16, Mon 12-13 saxel95@aol.com. 516-967-7430, 5:30-7:30pm.
Thursday Sept 16-Long Island Resolve Peer-Led Support Group-Third Thursdays Monthly -Oct 21, Nov 18, Dec 16, 7-9pm. Saxel95@aol.com, 516-967-7430.
Tuesday 9-14 -Judith Kottick,LCSW -Montclair NJ,Support Group for Donor Parenting Judykottick@comcast.netTuesdays 10-26,12-7.
Weds 9-15-Midtown-Family Building Network for Donor Conception and Surrogacy-Support Group with Patricia Mendell, LCSW, 10-20,11-17,12-15,1-19 from 7-9pm., pmendell@aol.com
Weds-Anne Malave, PHd-Support Group for Women Exploring Egg Donation-2nd and 4th Weds of the month, 7-8:30 pm, afmalave@aol.com ,212-787-1304.
Tues Sept 9-14-Upper West Side- Oct 12, Nov 9, Dec 14,Support Group, Elizabeth SIlk, LCSW, 212-873-6434 , Nancy Kaufman, LCSW, 212-772-1200 or thirdpartyparenting@yahoo.com.
Thursdays-Midtown Not strictly Third Party Reproduction, open (free) drop-in group Carolyn Berger, LCSW. at Batzofin Fertility Center in Midtown on the 1st and 3rd Thursday each month, 6-7:3pm. cnberger@optonline.net 914-834-6396.

Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure

Thursday, May 6, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy